Why men's mental health deserves a different conversation

Something I’ve observed as a therapist who works almost exclusively with men is that an overwhelming majority are drawn naturally to self-improvement. That observation has led me to believe we need to have a different conversation with regard to men’s mental health. Most men I speak with are not as averse to therapy as the average person may think, but a real barrier I hear them express is a concern regarding whether their efforts are going to be worth it. Will their efforts in learning to express more vulnerability be rewarded or will it fall on deaf ears? Is there a purpose to it or is it a goal in and of itself?

I believe that a better conversation about men’s mental health may need to start with a reason why men are necessary in our society. A discussion about the kind of roles and responsibilities that we need men to occupy. I have seen so often how men will suddenly shift away from their boyish tendencies once they learn that they are going to be a father or when they realize that they’ve met the love of their life. It doesn’t mean they will suddenly start making better decisions overnight, but you better believe they are going to try. Our therapeutic models for treating men may fall short when we forget that most men are drawn to self-improve, especially if the incentives are not there or they don't make sense.

Many men will disengage from therapy when emotional growth is presented as the end-goal in and of itself instead of using it to strengthen the relationships they care about. They need to know why it’s important and how it fits in to the role they are called to fulfill. They need to know that expressing emotion is healthy for their sons and daughters to observe because it humanizes them and reveals character. It serves a powerful purpose that reaches far beyond the individual. Said another way, purpose must precede emotional vulnerability in order to make it functional.

To the men who have tried therapy, but found it didn't work for them, I would encourage you to reflect on these points and consider if there was a lack of purpose behind the skills. If there was, then don't be afraid to try again, but perhaps ask more of the person you're working with to ground the skills in something that is not just meaningful, but also practical. The depths of insight can reveal who you really are and what really matters to you. What makes it powerful is when what matters to you is lived out in action.