What are you becoming?

What I've observed both professionally and personally is that the transition from boyhood to manhood is rarely something that happens simply with age. It's a complicated process that we struggle to fully define, and because of that, it comes up in therapy a lot. Perhaps one of the greatest complications with regard to the transition is that boys are required to make certain sacrifices if they want to be fully initiated in to the realm of mature masculinity. That sacrifice is the relinquishing of childish whims for the voluntary acceptance of responsibility for a productive role within their community. This may sound very generalized or ambiguous (and to a certain extent, it is), but I can think of no better way to describe the initiation process after observing so many men in therapy.

A mentor of mine once said, "It's good you have someone in your life to be better for", and I agreed with him. I think about the things that mattered to me before I got married versus the things that matter to me now and the contrast is pretty stark. When I speak to other men about this concept I'm constantly struck by how intuitively they are able to grasp it. Most men will say (myself included) that some part of them knew that they were going to have to do at least one thing different in order to be the husband or father their partner needed them to be. Almost always it was something they were going to have to sacrifice. Perhaps it was a toxic friend that has a bad influence over him or maybe it's his relationship with work. In order to get the girl of his dreams he has to first learn to make enough time for her and prioritize making her feel safe. To be clear, it's not about abandoning everything you once knew in order to have the relationship, but you have to be willing to let some things go that are getting in your way.

With that being said, I wouldn't blame a lot of men for disengaging from the process of self-improvement if this is all they have to look forward to. Thankfully, it isn't, but perhaps we haven't spent enough time exploring what the payoffs are for embracing the path of mature masculinity in our society and instead over-emphasized the challenges. A common theme I find myself distilling to men in therapy is the following idea: "You will never not be asked to sacrifice yourself for those you love". This is an incredibly heavy concept, but one that is deeply ingrained in the masculine identity. I think the reason this is true is because what we are willing to sacrifice will reveal what we really love. What's more, it will also determine the type of man we ultimately are capable of becoming.

The final part of this growth arc for men that I enjoy speaking about a lot is the idea of "what is the difference between a worthy and unworthy sacrifice?" since not all sacrifices are made equal. For example, you should sacrifice the friendship with the guy who is always causing trouble and makes your girlfriend uncomfortable to be around, but you shouldn't sacrifice the good friendships that helped you be the person your partner now finds attractive. You should sacrifice the 80 hour work weeks in order to be more present for your children, but you shouldn't put your dream job on hold just because she says it's "not for her". When we make enough worthy sacrifices something amazing happens. All of sudden, when we tell our partners that we want to have a boys night she responds with, "have a good time" or when you ask your son or daughter what is going on they actually tell you the truth with enthusiasm. The reason these things become possible is because you have become a man who has earned what therapists call a "high trust relationship". It's difficult to put in to words what this feels like, but once you've felt it you wouldn't trade it for anything.

Not all scenarios will be this black and white, and this is where therapy can help, but ultimately the question you have to ask is "what sacrifice do I need to make in order to become the person I want to be?" Having the courage to face that question can be the difference between accomplishing your goals or continuing to feel stuck. I would challenge any man struggling with these questions to consider that sacrifice doesn't have to be a zero-sum game. In fact, it should be the exact opposite. The worthy sacrifices we make willingly often become the very things that allow us to experience the deepest rewards of manhood.